Habit forming
cradling my arms
instead of babies.
talking to myself
too quietly,
because voices all sound louder.
stirring for loud noises,
but not alarms.
wearing words on everything.
end rape culture.
defund the police.
stop killing Black Trans Womxn.
Black Lives Matter.
Say Her Name.
no new prisons.
no people in cages.
Trust Black Women.
controlling my schedule
when I can’t control my feelings.
quelling my feelings
when I’ve altered my schedule
again.
drinking less than will
get me drunk.
watching enough tv to lose time,
but not enough to hide within myself.
saying true things,
but not tender ones.
readiness feels like a whoosh
a spritz
of a layer not known to be missing
but felt
when you step into it,
like skin
and air.
unreadiness feels like a high.
disorienting,
intensifying,
it’s own mist
bringing relief.
feeling like pulling off skin
and inhaling fumes.
past readying for other moments
what needs escape now
can’t ask questions about later.
not now
not now
not now
not now.
habits link not nows
into chains
of reuse.
and when they form,
and when they break,
and when they’re needed,
and when they’re outlasted,
and when they’re desired
relieved and ready
far from each other,
farther and nearer in moments,
spritzing
pulled off skins
with feelings we feel
too loudly.
voices folding their arms around words
can’t always be hands
able to hold everything
we want them to;
not now,
not now,
not,
not,
now.