Habit forming

cradling my arms

instead of babies.

talking to myself

too quietly,

because voices all sound louder.

stirring for loud noises,

but not alarms.

wearing words on everything.

end rape culture.

defund the police.

stop killing Black Trans Womxn.

Black Lives Matter.

Say Her Name.

no new prisons.

no people in cages.

Trust Black Women.

controlling my schedule

when I can’t control my feelings.

quelling my feelings

when I’ve altered my schedule

again.

drinking less than will

get me drunk.

watching enough tv to lose time,

but not enough to hide within myself.

saying true things,

but not tender ones.

readiness feels like a whoosh

a spritz

of a layer not known to be missing

but felt

when you step into it,

like skin

and air.

unreadiness feels like a high.

disorienting,

intensifying,

it’s own mist

bringing relief.

feeling like pulling off skin

and inhaling fumes.

past readying for other moments

what needs escape now

can’t ask questions about later.

not now

not now

not now

not now.

habits link not nows

into chains

of reuse.

and when they form,

and when they break,

and when they’re needed,

and when they’re outlasted,

and when they’re desired

relieved and ready

far from each other,

farther and nearer in moments,

spritzing

pulled off skins

with feelings we feel

too loudly.

voices folding their arms around words

can’t always be hands

able to hold everything

we want them to;

not now,

not now,

not,

not,

now.