Invitations to stay in your body

“this time I know I’m back in my body”,

I heard my car speakers play,

as Maggie Rogers illustrates the pinprick entry of a bodily experience you weren’t ready for.

awakening,

embarrassment,

“all this time, all this time, all this time…”

her chorus echoes,

and as sound has a way

of making me leave my body,

these lyrics revealed to me that I hadn’t left yet.

I bow my head to focus on one thing first,

but not to move inward.

Sometimes staying outward is the test of maturity, out where anything can reach you

and not find only armor.

Out where stimulus predicts reactions,

and combinations of stimulants are the mostly unpredicted.

Out where something that’s hurt you,

might hurt you again.

Almost definitely will, honestly.

back in my body,

announces that you’ve left at least once.

Pronounces that maybe body

isn’t spelled h o m e.

It’s also yours.

Along with the cadence

that speeds up my weeping,

there is now a pull to let them drip.

back in my body,

because it is mine.

I could feel that way maybe,

and I don’t have time to wonder between the ramping of every sensation of staying.

I hear perfectly with my eyes closed,

and what I’m hearing lands somewhere old.

Somewhere young truly,

younger than I ever remember feeling.

all this time

this time

all this time

this time

I know

this time

all this time.

I hear the stop and start that accompanies changed direction,

and I honor the friction.

I honor that yes and no,

must at times be conveyed as yes and no.

will at times feel like I can’t but I must.

will be mine and intrusions.

will be unplanned and overdue.

will come as stimulant,

and will end.

I know,

she sings as I nod and cry and shake my head.

“I felt it coming down…I was so embarrassed that I almost ran away; two times around the block before I decided to stay.

Spent another day pretending I was over it.”

when you’re not over it,

and you’re surprised by feeling,

sometimes, you go back.

you go,

towards time lost

and feelings that won’t wait,

because you are there this time.

this time

all this time

I know.

Writer. Thinker. Facilitator. Advocate. Invested in accountability for power based violence, creative initiatives, and meaningful, nuanced dialoguing.

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