it’s possible to stumble into triggers

like the time I walked

through a screen door

and broke it,

so detached from my body

and it’s weighted quality.

there’s a property for that,

how matter can’t be destroyed.

air can be mass can be liquid,

but air

and mass

and liquid

have to be something.

nothing cannot describe

a thing of weight,

even as its stumbling into

something heavier.

I know what it is

to be a thing consumed

instead of a person respected

to be a body desired

but not a body in charge of herself.

to confuse having matter

with having importance,

to hear in kindness

the sirens call.

high pitched,

yet missed

like the triggers

that blindside me.

when is it ok to say

you’re unprepared.

from here my ears tune

to the opening and shutting of doors,

drowning out the city sounds

or bus chimes along the sidewalk.

my focus is mostly interior,

to my womb,

to my chest,

to the sensations racing

up my arms and past my fingers,

dancing with the light pockets above my head.

all sense of eagerness escapes me

as my body expresses her labor pains.

the toll of maturity she says,

and altering habits,

and interactions with risks.

different risks focus your attention

to the muscle groups involved in lifting

weight and carrying it somewhere new.

somewhere nearer to your relationships,

and out of the grips of clearer crises.

ones announced by your rising heart rate

and your scattered thoughts

at a loss for how to form words,

and sped up with infinite adrenaline shots.

not like this,

not slowed down,

not able to feel my vertebrae hug the cushion

embracing my back,

not able to feel my head supported,

not thankful for the traffic

keeping me here

rather than a late to start meeting.

the time to be collected,

the tools to let myself be.

the patience it still takes.

Writer. Thinker. Facilitator. Advocate. Invested in accountability for power based violence, creative initiatives, and meaningful, nuanced dialoguing.

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